If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
