Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
