i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
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This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
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You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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