So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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