I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
