And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
