i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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