it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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