new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
