I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
