I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
