I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
bring money and cleavage
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Randomize
