you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
