so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
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is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
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No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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