I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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