I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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