I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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