mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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