The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
