How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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