I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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