I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
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So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
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I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
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