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If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
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