Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
