I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
