I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
