if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
