she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
