oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
4 words: hood of his car
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
