Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
