So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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