I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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