Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
