We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
