allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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