I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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