Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
