You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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