I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
