I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
