I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
