Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
