I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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