OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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