My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Randomize
