I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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