Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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