he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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