Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
