I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
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drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
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The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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