What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
