U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
