I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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