Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
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As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
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I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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