Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
