I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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