Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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